Some Teens Awaiting Family for Holidays Would “Prefer Biting a Brick”

Some Teens Awaiting Family for Holidays Would

Juliana Diatezua, Copy Editor

As Thanksgiving dinner looms dangerously close, the disregard for “turkey day” by most mainstream corporations hasn’t been enough to keep WHS students from being painfully aware of the approaching holiday. Teens of all ages wait in anxious anticipation for their parents and guardians alike to awaken them on the 28th and pull them away from sleeping-in with reminders of the arrival of whatever nameless, unmemorable relative it is whom they only regularly talk to on birthdays. The annual game of faking intrigue at the meretricious pieces of philosophy doled out by twice-removed aunts and “unemployed by choice” uncles is deeply honored by the students at WHS.

“It’s pretty exciting, given the timing,” Jane Doe, senior, said in regards to the idea of having to engage a room of strangers with whom she shares nothing in common but a bloodline. “Thankfully, this is at the same time I’m sending in most of my college applications, so it’s nice to sit here and wonder how long it’ll take someone to mock me for my intended major.”

Doe went on to contort her face into a clearly condescending smile in what she stated to be her “spot on impersonation” of a distant cousin commenting on the state of Doe’s hair and romantic relationships.

Although the knee-buckling queasiness that comes with anticipating golden snippets such as job advice from a grandfather who was first employed before the Reagan administration is natural, the question as to why this particular Thanksgiving is so particularly unnerving has remained unsolved.

Sources caught up with WHS sophomore, John Smith, who claimed to have the answer. “It’s the government,” Smith explained, “I mean, sure, Obamacare was one thing, but then you have the Ted Cruz filibuster and the influx of states legalizing gay marriage, add it all up and it’s a tornado of topics you’re only supposed to mutter about into your sleeve when Mr. Sink asks you about the news.”

WHS students breathed a sigh of relief that someone “just finally said it already.” Reports stated immediately after that the needlessly belligerent tone of these respondents left the students to follow up their statement with, “Oh god, I sound like my dad,” before updating their Twitter statuses to reflect this sentiment. The hashtags following the tweets “Can’t Wait For It To Be Over” and “Why Did The Pilgrims Do This To Us” are said to be but the beginning of a week’s worth of passive aggressive posts expecting to fluctuate through the hours of 7PM Thursday and Friday morning.